Mitch Hedberg (Feb 24, 1968 – Mar 29, 2005)

In honor of one year after Mitch Hedberg died, here are some quotes…

“I was in a casino, minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, ‘You’re gonna have to move. You’re blocking a fire exit.’ As though if there was a fire, I wasn’t gonna run. If you’re flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit. Unless you’re a table.”

“An escalator can never break; it can only become stairs. You would never see an ‘Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order’ sign, just ‘Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience. We apologize for the fact that you can still get up there.'”

“My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. “

“I opened up a yogurt, underneath the lid it said, “Please Try Again” because they were having a contest I was unaware of. But I thought I might have opened the yogurt wrong, or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me. “C’mon, Mitchell, don’t give up. Please try again. A message of inspiration from your friends at Yoplait. Fruit on the bottom, hope on top.” “

“I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve travelled to. But first, I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map… so it won’t fall down.”

Thank you, you’ve been great.

Join the Conversation


  1. That’s crazy that it’s already been a year. I was VERY sad when I heard that, he was such a great, young talent.

    The Pringles/tennis balls joke was an instant classic.

  2. my friends and i were in indianapolis this past weekend for a basketball game. we went shopping beforehand and found an “out of order” escalator and had our own private “mitch” moment.

    sorry for the convenience 😉

    great post.

  3. Yes, there is actually a TV spot running right now that features the wonderful “Such Great Heights” by Postal Service that shows a bunch of signs and one of them is a out of order sign on an escalator.

  4. I use his “I find that ducks’ opinions of me are very much influenced over whether or not I have bread.” on my kids when we go out to feed the ducks… They are 3 and still don’t get it yet. One day they will and think I am a witty old man.

  5. I got to see one of his last performances and it was the funniest thing I’ve ever seen in my life.

    PS. This is what the alphabet would look like if P and Q were eliminated

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